Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
