I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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