My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
