My hair reeks of homosexuality.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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