"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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