having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
