hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Sext me about skeletons
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
