but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
