Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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