i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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