Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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