so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
