Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
His nipple licking is glorious
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