Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
