I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
