is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
A bitchslap is in order.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
