How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
