...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.