I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
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Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
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Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets