Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She just used a chaser for red wine.
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I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This is my gift to your gina
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you