so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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