i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
