Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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