Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I met the friendliest cop last night
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
