The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
farters have to be the big spoon...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My dick has a subreddit
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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