Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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