Will you blow on my dice?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
