im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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