what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
