So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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