it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
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i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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