there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
