eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
