Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
