They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
