Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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