Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
