she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
