I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You ate ashes out of my bong
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
