This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
