hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
