you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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