ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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