Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
