Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
