i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
