If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You were trust falling into bushes
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
