Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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