Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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