Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
