Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have feelings that need drinking.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
