Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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