her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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