and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
