i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
