alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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