I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
