after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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