sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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