i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you win again, gameday.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
