I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Drunk is not a location!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
